Blog Post Version

Motherhood comes with a thousand unspoken rules, most of which we inherit without even realizing it. One of the most common is this: “A good mom sacrifices everything for her children.”

We’re told in subtle and not-so-subtle ways that to be a loving mother is to put our children’s needs above our own at all times. That if we go without, we are noble. That if we are exhausted, it’s proof of our devotion.

But here’s the truth: sacrificing your health and well-being does not make you a better mom. It makes you a burned out mom.

And I say this with compassion, because I used to be a burned out, depressed, and anxious mom.

Choose Yourself, Even When Mom Guilt Tells You Not To

Because of my ongoing health issues with premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), there was a period of time when I had more expenses than usual. Between doctor’s appointments, medications, and travelling, my budget stretched thinner and thinner. To make ends meet, I had to make a choice I dreaded: I took my children out of their extracurricular activities for a trimester.

The mom guilt was heavy at first. The old me—the one with low self-esteem who didn’t believe she deserved to put her health first—would never have done this. I would have ignored my medical needs so my kids could have painting lessons or football practice.

But something shifted. I realized that if I kept pushing my body beyond its limits, I wasn’t setting a healthy example for my children. By neglecting myself, I was teaching them that self-sacrifice at the expense of your health is love. That ignoring your body is normal. That care must be earned by taking care of everyone else first.

I thought, Is that really the example I want to set?

No.

Your Example is the Teacher

Children learn from what we do rather than what we say. If they watch you constantly put yourself last, they’ll internalize the idea that being a parent—or simply being an adult—means ignoring your own needs.

But what if they see you book that doctor’s appointment instead of skipping it? What if they watch you stretch out on a yoga mat for ten minutes in the middle of a messy Lego-covered living room because you know your body needs it?

When you make the effort to meet your needs, your kids learn that:

Movement is important
Health is a priority
Rest is necessary, not selfish
Money is a resource to be managed wisely, not a bottomless well

By choosing yourself in small but consistent ways, you are teaching your children responsibility and respect for their own health and well-being.

Disappointment Isn’t the Enemy

One of the hardest truths to accept as a mom is this: it’s not our job to protect our children from feeling disappointed.

It’s our job to raise resilient humans who can face disappointment and still know that they are loved and that their wants and needs matter.

When I told my child they couldn’t participate in extracurriculars for a trimester, I didn’t dismiss their disappointment. I sat with them in it. I said, “I know this is hard. I wish it were different. I don’t like this situation either.”

Then I explained why. I showed them the reality of a limited budget: if money goes here, it can’t go there.

And something powerful happened—my child empathized with me. They began to understand that resources are finite and that caring for our family’s well-being sometimes means compromise.

Shielding our kids from disappointment might feel loving in the moment, but it doesn’t prepare them for life. Allowing them to experience disappointment—while supporting and validating their feelings—equips them with the tools to cope, adapt, and grow.

Not All Self-Care has a Price Tag

There’s an assumption that if kids aren’t enrolled in structured extracurriculars they’re missing out, but enrichment doesn’t have to come with a monthly bill.

When my children were small, I often didn’t have time or energy for more than ten minutes of yoga. So I’d roll out my mat, push the toys aside, and breathe through a short practice. My kids saw me moving despite the mess surrounding me And soon, they began to join in—clumsily imitating poses, giggling, sometimes just watching.

We also went for walks, kicked balls around at the playground, and climbed jungle gyms. None of it cost money, but all of it reinforced the importance of moving our bodies.

Your children don’t just need activities. They need to see you embodying what you value. If you model consistent, imperfect, everyday self-care, they’ll learn it’s important for them too.

The Ripple Effect of Self-Neglect

Here’s a lesson I had to learn the hard way: when you don’t rest, your body will eventually force you to. I recommend reading the book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk if you want to dig more into this topic.

For me, it came as debilitating migraines caused by lack of sleep that landed me in the hospital. I had ignored the signals—fatigue, tension, stress—because I thought pushing through was what good moms did.

But in reality, pushing through didn’t help anyone. It left my kids anxious and my partner and brother scrambling to support me when a migraine attack would leave me debilitated and unable to show up for my responsibilities as a stay-at-home mom. It disrupted everything more than if I had taken those breaks earlier.

When moms neglect themselves, the ripple effect touches everyone. However, when we prioritize our well-being, the positive ripple effect is just as strong.

Shifting Your Mindset is where this Process Starts

This is not about instant transformation. It’s about mindset shifts made little by little.

Start by questioning those ingrained beliefs about being a “martyr mom.” Who told you that love equals self-neglect? Was it family, culture, society, religion? All of the above? Does that belief actually serve you—or your children?
Next, reflect on where you’re making your life harder than it needs to be. Are you taking on unnecessary burdens because you feel guilty saying no or because you believe everything needs to require a lot of effort for it to have meaning?
Then ask: what’s one small thing I can do to make life easier for myself this week? Maybe it’s ordering groceries online, maybe it’s saying no to one commitment, maybe it’s going to bed thirty minutes earlier.

These small decisions add up. They shift the narrative from “I must always come last” to “I matter, too.”

What Your Children Actually Need from You

Because here’s the thing: your children don’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be present.

They don’t need you to sacrifice until you are hollow. They need you to model balance, care, and self-respect.

Your health—mental, emotional, and physical—is not negotiable. It’s the foundation from which you mother. Without it, everything else crumbles.

So make the appointment. Roll out the mat. Ask for help. Adjust the budget. Validate their disappointment, and stand firm in your choices.

When you do, you’re not only caring for yourself—you’re teaching your children one of the most valuable lessons of all: that they, too, deserve to care for themselves.

If You’re Still Feeling Guilty about Meeting Your Needs, Know This

If you’re reading this and feeling guilty, please know this: you are not a bad mom for needing care. You are a human being with limits, and recognizing those limits is an act of love, not failure.

Throw away the idea that love equals martyrdom. Love your children fiercely, yes—but love yourself enough to keep showing up for them as a whole person.

Because when moms make their lives easier, everyone benefits. You’ll have more energy, more patience, more joy. You’ll have a healthy and whole version of you to give

And isn’t that what your children truly need?

The No Longer Last Journey™ Podcast

Personal stories, inspiration, and advice to help moms prioritize their health, happiness, and well-being — hosted by Mia Hemstad.

Hi there, I’m Mia Hemstad!

I’m a mom, abuse survivor, self-care coach, and the founder of The No Longer Last Journey® — a movement to empower mothers to make their health, happiness, and well-being a priority.
I’m also a maternal mental health policy advocate, and I live with PTSD and depression.
I love helping moms make their health, happiness, and well-being a priority!

If you’re ready to start your No Longer Last Journey™, here’s how I can help you!

FREE 4B Self-Care Framework©: A great way to get started on your self-care journey, this guide provides an easy-to-use framework that makes self-care actually supportive rather than another burden on your to-do list. Get the Guide →
Rituals that Replenish Workshop: This DIY 3-hour workshop (1 hour per week) will help you get to know your true wants and needs and will help you develop the habit of practicing one self-care ritual in your daily life. Learn More →
The No Longer Last Journey™ Coaching Program: This 12-month program includes monthly coaching & community calls, classes, reflection guides, and weekly self-care reminders to help you overcome obstacles, improve your self-worth, and make self-care a sustainable and supportive part of your life. Learn More →