How to Overcome Mom Guilt
About the Podcast Episode
Have you ever felt mom guilt so intense that it made it impossible to do anything for yourself? If you have, you’re not alone. Today I’m talking about mom guilt — where it comes from and how to overcome it — so that you can take care of yourself without the weight of mom guilt making you feel bad. Learning how to overcome mom guilt is so liberating. I’m excited for you to practice the tips I share in this podcast episode.
Blog Post Version: 6 Strategies to Overcome Mom Guilt
Mom guilt is an epidemic, and even though it has serious consequences to our physical and mental health, it’s trivialized and treated as just part of the job.
Patriarchal and societal conditioning have taught moms that self-care is selfish, and that "good" mothers should always put everyone’s needs before our own. So, it’s not surprising that when moms try to do anything for ourselves, the insidious — and sometimes debilitating — mom guilt takes over and controls our thoughts and behaviors.
For example, one time I tried to go to a coffee shop to enjoy a hot cappuccino (emphasis on hot) while reading a book I hadn’t touched in half a year. But, my mom guilt was so bad that I came back home after being gone for only an hour and a half.
The moment I sat down with my coffee and my book, the mom guilt (that I had already been feeling while getting ready to leave my home) reached an all-time peak, making me feel so bad about taking a few hours to myself even though I just survived 6 straight months of the newborn trenches with barely any breaks.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that mom guilt is dangerous. It’s because of mom guilt that I couldn’t take care of myself for years and eventually was hospitalized from severe burnout, migraines, and depression. Yes, there have always been other obstacles standing in the way of my self-care like limited childcare, time, and money. But even when I had those things, mom guilt would step in as a final defense keeping me “in my place” — exhausted, serving, and selfless — right where the patriarchy wanted me to be and where I had been conditioned to be since I was a little girl.
It took years of therapy, coaching, and inner work to learn how to overcome mom guilt. Now, I relate to it differently. It no longer controls me the way it used to. When it shows up, I question it, and I put it in its place. And ultimately, I release it because it was never mine to begin with.
Self-care is easier for me now that I know how to overcome mom guilt in my daily life. And yes, I said “daily” on purpose. I don’t know if moms can ever get rid of it for good since it’s constantly reinforced in the world around us. But, we can get better at responding to it when it comes up.
In this blog post, I’m sharing the tips and strategies that have helped me and my coaching clients overcome mom guilt and, as a result, take better care of ourselves.
1. Ask Yourself: Am I Actually Doing Something Wrong?
Guilt is a useful emotion when you've actually done something wrong. It can force you to pause, assess your actions, and make necessary changes and apologies. But when guilt shows up just because you're doing something for yourself, stop and ask:
Am I hurting anyone?
Am I actually doing something wrong?
If your honest answer is “No, I’m not hurting anyone or doing anything wrong,” that guilt isn't valid — it's misplaced, and it's not serving you or your family. It’s safe to let it go.
Personally, my favorite “let it go” exercise is to imagine the mom guilt as a pile of trash and using my mind to move it into a dumpster and set it on fire. It’s actually quite effective.
You can try that visualization or make one up that works for you! In my experience, I can’t just say I “let it go.” I have to actually visualize mom guilt as something physical that gets trashed and destroyed in order for it to feel like it’s actually left my mind and body — something worth trying!
2. Use this Affirmation to Reclaim Your Power
When misplaced guilt creeps in, try repeating this affirmation to yourself while taking slow, deep breaths: "This guilt is not mine. This guilt is misplaced. I have done nothing wrong." And then, right after saying this affirmation, take one action (even if it’s super tiny) that reinforces this affirmation through your behavior.
For example, when I would feel guilty for thinking about taking time away from house chores to go on a walk, I would tell myself “This guilt is misplaced. Going on a walk is a good thing. I’m not doing anything wrong,” and then I would go on that walk to reinforce in my mind the fact that this guilt does not control me. I can feel it, respond to it, and take care of myself anyway because taking care of myself is not a bad thing! I am not doing anything wrong.
If you just repeat the affirmation without following it up with any action, the words won’t carry any meaning, and they won’t have the effect on your mom guilt that you need. So, it’s very important to follow up the affirmation with action.
Over time, the affirmation and acts of self-care (no matter how small) start to overpower your mom guilt, and the habitual urge to martyr yourself gets replaced by the ability to care for yourself without being held back by guilt.
3. Remember: Your Kids Learn From What You Do, Not What You Say
Sometimes, I just can’t get myself to overcome my mom guilt. The affirmations aren’t working. The deep breathing is not helping. This is usually because the self-care I need to do might be “bigger” than normal or outside of my usual routine, and that can feel challenging and uncomfortable.
What I find motivates me when I’m stuck like this is remembering that my kids are learning from what I do, not what I say. And I know, without a doubt, that I do not want my children to feel guilty about meeting their own wants and needs. I use this desire to be a good model for my children as fuel to help me say “f-you” to the mom guilt and take care of myself anyway.
Usually, with these more challenging self-care practices (like buying myself new clothes), I will feel very uncomfortable the whole time. The process will not feel good or rejuvenating (at least not in the moment). I remind myself that the discomfort I feel is not due to doing something wrong; it’s due to taking care of myself in a way that’s new or connected to a childhood trauma or wound I have yet to work through.
This is important for you to know because a lot of the women I work with think that if it feels bad it is bad because they assume that all self-care should feel good, rejuvenating, etc. But, in reality, there’s a lot of self-care that will not feel good, and that’s not a reason to avoid it. It’s actually in that very uncomfortable and challenging space where your healing and growth will happen, and it’s very important that you dig deep and find a way to move forward with it even though it’s hard.
So, when all else fails, remember that your kids are learning from your example, and you need to model what you want them to learn. Your kids want you to be happy and healthy (yes, they really do), and when you take care of yourself, you give them permission to do the same — how cool is that?!
4. If You're an Abuse Survivor, Let Your Kids Be Your "Why"
Abuse survivors often struggle to prioritize their wants and needs, but this is a critical part of the healing journey. If you survived abuse, let your children be the reason you go on this journey of learning how to take care of yourself.
I know for me, realizing that I was abused and neglected as a child helped me understand why it was so incredibly hard for me to take care of myself, especially after having babies. Even meeting my basic needs like eating and taking a shower were difficult. But even with this realization, motivation to address my self-neglect was low. This is because abuse can eradicate your self-worth and self-esteem, meaning I didn’t even believe I was worth taking care of. I didn’t love myself. But I loved my kids so much, and I wanted them to have a better childhood than I had, so I knew I needed to figure this out.
Now, I take care of myself because I love myself, but for a long time my only motivation was my children, and if that’s all you can grasp right now, that’s okay! Self-love and self-worth takes time to develop, especially if you’re an abuse survivor. So, find motivation wherever you can because this journey isn’t easy, and when you see how it benefits your children, you’ll be empowered to keep going no matter how hard it gets.
5. Choose Gratitude Over Guilt
Sometimes, when someone (a partner, a family member, a friend) gives you the space to care for yourself, our default instinct is guilt. I hear this over and over again from my clients, and I sometimes still feel it, too.
The moment someone steps up to support us, we start keeping a mental tally of what we "owe" them, or we rush back early to make up for the time away. But when someone is helping you take care of yourself, it’s important to remember that support from others isn’t something to feel guilty about, and it isn't a debt to repay.
Instead of letting the guilt take over your mind and run the show, choose gratitude instead. While guilt says, "I shouldn't have needed this,” gratitude says, "Thank you for supporting my well-being. Thank you for being there for me." Gratitude moves you toward connection with others, and guilt moves you towards isolation — and connection is where it’s at, every time. Community care begets self-care, and self-care begets community care. You’re allowing “the village” to show up for you, and that’s a beautiful thing. Don’t let guilt spoil it, sever connections, and create isolation. Practice feeling grateful instead and notice how it helps you feel connected, loved, and supported (which you need and deserve!).
So, the next time you feel guilty about someone supporting your well-being ask yourself, “What can I feel grateful for in this situation?”
6. Remember that Overcoming Mom Guilt Takes Time
The last thing I want to say is that if you have a hard time overcoming mom guilt there’s nothing wrong with you. It genuinely takes a lot of time and a lot of practice (and, for most of us, a lot of therapy).
Please remember that the beliefs that make you feel guilty for taking up space in your home and family to prioritize yourself run deep — centuries deep. And these ideas are reinforced in church, in society, in media, at work, at your mom group, etc.
This will be hard work, but it will be some of the most important work you will do — not just for yourself but for your family, too. Because even when you’ve addressed the obstacles of childcare, money, time, and energy, mom guilt is truly the final frontier. It doesn’t discriminate. It comes for all of us, and unless we address it head-on, it will continue to push you to be last in your own life.
Know that this is a process. It’s a journey. Every time you feel that mom guilt rise up, tell it that it’s not needed here. You’re not doing anything wrong. And taking care of yourself isn’t just a good thing — it’s one of the most responsible things you can do.
The No Longer Last Journey® Podcast
Personal stories, inspiration, and advice to help moms prioritize their health, happiness, and well-being — hosted by Mia Hemstad.
Hi there, I’m Mia Hemstad!
I’m a mom, abuse survivor, self-care coach, and the founder of The No Longer Last Journey® — a movement to empower mothers to make their health, happiness, and well-being a priority.
I’m also a maternal mental health policy advocate, and I live with PTSD and depression.
I love helping moms make their health, happiness, and well-being a priority!
If you’re ready to start your No Longer Last Journey®, here’s how I can help you!
Free Guide: 4B Self-Care Framework©: A great way to get started on your self-care journey, this guide provides an easy-to-use framework that makes self-care actually supportive rather than another burden on your to-do list. Get the Guide →
Rituals that Replenish Workshop: This DIY 3-hour workshop (1 hour per week) will help you get to know your true wants and needs and will help you develop the habit of practicing one self-care ritual in your daily life. Learn More →
The No Longer Last Journey® Coaching Program: This 12-month program includes monthly coaching & community calls, classes, reflection guides, and weekly self-care reminders to help you overcome obstacles, improve your self-worth, and make self-care a sustainable and supportive part of your life. Learn More →
Check out more on the blog!
